Time for a Hiatus

Well Uni is over for the year, and so far I have managed to spend a good deal of time sitting here in front of the computer but haven't really achieved a lot-
a few games of Scrabulous, a bit of e-mail contact, a fair bit of doing nothing...
But that's OK!
We had a torrid couple of months, John's dad becoming very ill and dying, Sam turning 21, Uni assignments, colds and infections,
Now I think I have a license to just sit back a bit and chill
Don't I?

While the world around me begins to wind up frenetically with all the shopping, buying consuming and stressing over the traditions of over-consuming, buying, shopping, stressing over Christmas,
I intend staying grounded and sane, well, I can try.
Christmas will be low key (as ever), but even more so this year, we will be minus Pa, and temporarily minus my in-laws' grandma .
So one oldy (Kath) and the first Christmas without her other half.
Weird and sad.
I still am surprised at the depth of grief I have for him. Not having him just feels so strange.
And it's not like we had an amazing rapport, or that I gave him special attention as he got feeble and more deaf, sometimes I forgot he was even there!

Even so, the world is different without him. I'm aware of my mother-in-law, being on her own, and and I know it's going to be tough for her for a while.



Now, about my new life-style- it includes a daily siesta, and I'm due for mine in 5 minutes!
By the way, Sam's party was heaps of fun, the kids all loved my speech.
I deliberately kept it pretty unsentimental, and yet the boys in particular were very touched by my words, and said so- which, when you think about it is pretty amazing-
I mean, boys, coming up to me and telling me what a wonderful mum I was, and that they hoped they would have their mums say such things about them.
I actually didn't say very much-
I could have said so much-like about how much I adored and lived for that baby-how my whole life had revolved around him. I was so intensely besotted with and proud of him, and all that he was and all that he did.
How disappointed and heart-stricken I became when he turned on me, and lashed out in his temper rages during moments of ill-health and then adolescent hormonal surges.
How useless and rejected I felt when he discarded me and my adoration of him, as he became a man.
How I still worship him from a distance, but keep it mostly quietly to myself these days (only my ever sharp-minded daughter has suspicions, which she regularly voices, in jealousy!)

Ok, Now it's out- and that's good. I never got to say it so I can be assured the words never got to embarrass him. I roasted him in a good natured and fairly superficial way- and he loved it- any more mushy, and I know he would have hated it!

This is Sam and co. having fun, his sister looking glam in the black sparkles on the far right.

Sam turns 21.

Just thought I'd share this speech I've written about my boy for tonight- his big party.

Sam in a Nutshell

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone for coming to this lovely do, organised by Shai and Sam. And Thankyou Shai for sharing this night with Sam, making this night doubly special and half the price!

Sam was born at 4:20 in the afternoon on the November 6^th, 1986. It was a stormy Spring Day in Mullumbimby. We were all shocked at his size- which turned out to be a whopping 10 lbs 9oz- (4.6 kilos). He thrived from the word go- crawling at 6 months, standing at 7 months and walking at 9 months.

He was a happy gregarious toddler who had a way of making a game out of everything from eating to riding on a bus to getting dressed- it all had to have an element of fun. He’s always loved music, and music will always be a big part of his life I believe. When he was a toddler he would get the words wrong to certain songs- for example

Aussie Crawl’s “Beautiful People” was “Bew-bibibee Bong”- well who could get that right anyway?

Sam’s grandma recalls his serenading everyone at the supermarket loudly with his rendition of “Love Shack” when he was about 3. When he was 5 he wrote a very rocky song which he shared in class at school, called “Going down the Road Really Fast”- and his taste in music moved quickly moved from Billy Joel (thankfully short lived), to Peter Coombe and onto Led Zeppelin, and so Johnny and I had to relive our teenage- hoods and go through that phase again.

Not many of you will know this, but Sam and Shai’s friendship was probably cemented more around music than anything else, as both were involved in the school band at Joeys.

Sam’s ability to get passionately interested in things meant we all would get dragged along for the ride- from Dinosaurs through to Air-cadets and everything in between, Ninja Turtles, Thomas the Tank Engine, Billy carts, (we’ll never forget that famous downhill ride at Joeys, the one that sent him flying in the air one day when he hit a ditch), rollerblades, footy, cricket and cubs, he had a go at everything.

He was always prepared to have a go- even if he was scared! I’ll never forget our trip to NZ in 1999, when we went on a bit of a kayaking adventure- he became entangled in vicious blackberries and then managed to fall out of the kayak. I’ll never forget the look of panic on his face as he went spilling over into the cold water- only to find it was about waist height- I think he thought he was going to be swept to his death!

Do you remember Sam, the Pirate Ship at Sea World- you were about 7, apparently you screamed and screamed through the whole ride, causing Dad to wonder if perhaps he had made a mistake in taking you on!

Sam’s greatest interest and the place where a few of you would have got to know him was Air Cadets. Planes, flying and most important of all, the bivouacs were his great love for a number of years- and I think set him up well in life with many skills and opportunities to show his leadership and innovative ideas.

Of course Sam has had a try at being a bit of a rebel too, for example growing a mo-hawk in year 11. And all those detentions- which were somehow “Not his fault”- what was that about?

What ever Sam has chosen to do over the years, well he does it to the extreme if it’s something he loves to do, so I feel confident Sam that your future holds the promise of personal success because you only do what you really want to do, and do it well.

Your strong will- which often got you into trouble when you were young has become a great plus in your adult life. I’m sure you need this quality to succeed in the area of Hospitality, and you will make a great chef.

The other thing I have to mention is that you have always attracted really nice people to yourself- and have chosen your friends well, and I have to include Jayne in this group. You share of yourself and are generous to a fault, even to the inclusion of your little sister in your band!

Don’t ever change, we love you jsut the way you are - good luck with your future and God Bless you in all you do.

Words....

I'm in love with words, with language, with poetry, with the discoveries I'm making into the world of literature.
I know, it's not everybody's cup of tea, but it sure is mine.
Studying Shakespeare at University, I'm fulfilling a life long dream, and I am like a baby taking my first, tentative steps at the beach...
One minute I think I'm moving well, then the next, and I am bowled over by a crashing wave, it's not a big wave, but I don't have good balance yet.
Drowning, flailing, I am rolled over and over in the surf of language, meanings, theories, and the intimidation of the other children, who are surfing, and bobbing about confidently around me.

But, there's the ground beneath my feet, and I'm Ok. My teacher, who's patient, and doesn't seem to mind my clumsiness, holds out a helping hand, and guides me into the deeper waters-
the rich and fascinating world of the most brilliant literary minds, and the truths behind their words.
Pure joy!

Ok, I'm hearing giggles- yes, yes I am a nerd, well and truly- but at least I've found a niche for myself, after many long years of wandering around in the wilderness...

AAAhhh not MORE metaphors I hear you scream!

Ok, now, I wrote these poems a couple of years ago, and I see the flaws but I will share them unchanged- and hopefully I will get better at it!

The Sleep I Feel...

The sleep I feel coming upon

Creeping up upon me

Steals its way into my eyes,

Weighing them down

And the heaviness I feel

Spreads its weight on my limbs, my back, my shoulders

and I sink sink sink

To depths far far below.

My mind struggles with the popping up

Of bubbles of thought

Caught in an event, an idea,

A frothy and light

Reflection-

A sliver of meaning

To be shared with my man, as I stroke his downy belly.

Words surface, like bubbles of gas in my gut,

Against my will

They rise-

Go away thoughts, let me escape into the darkness

As it enfolds and smothers me

In its soft fullness.

Sam strums

Sam strums my guitar

A peaceble lullaby

from a usually angry young man-

Belies the feelings of comfort and safety he knows within my walls, within my wings, within my heart

Stay safe Sam,

Know you are loved.

Ok, now I can start.

I wish I was a lot more lyrical and good with words, because I think this could be a bit boring-
But here goes...

I am a girl who's struggling to get my life into a sort of order, after losing a fine 13 kilos a while back now- thinking I couldn't push past that 10 kilo barrier- and realising I could...
Well I've kind of got stuck, here, just hovering below the 100 kilo mark and really not making any progress.

But I haven't stopped moving.
I have my beautiful border collie dog, Daisy to keep me company on my walks, (well actually the walks are ALL about Daisy getting exercise).
I have a gym membership, but I'm not getting there, because some-one has to exercise the dog.
There are only so many hours in a day.
And only So many excuses to be made!
Weight Watchers taught me how to eat in healthy proportions, but lately I'm really struggling with that, and am eating till discomfit stage a lot at the moment.

OK so you see I am heading in entirely the wrong direction right now.
What's to be done???

ALL the great rewards and incentives and ideas and challenges don't seem to grab and keep my attention.
But I DO need to lose more weight, and sooner rather than later would be best!
The only thing I know to do that works is just to get on my bike and get going- only I find it hard to find the time. I have to MAKE time.
If I find out just how that's done, I will be sure to share it with the rest of you...

In the mean time, there's 2 Uni subjects to attack, and a mountain of books to read...