2010- A year of significance because....

this year is the year to get some of it together. : )

I read something really cool in the horoscopes in Saturday's Age the other day... BTW I don't actually read horoscopes, and I certainly don't believe them but for some reason my eye wandered up the page... and yes I suppose I was kind of looking for an "oracle"...
Here goes, it was something like this...

"THE FUTURE IS RUSHING INTO THE PRESENT AT A GREAT RATE OF KNOTS AND IT'S DOING SO WITHOUT YOUR HELP"

Note to self: remember this when you get really frustrated about the lack of progress on certain issues...

Now I wonder if I need to have this attitude about the lack of progress on my house and garden and, and about seeing the formation/participating in becoming part of a Community Garden thing? or about losing some weight and getting healthy?
Or about my kids getting their acts together and not living such risky, outrageous lifestyles?

And the rain washes it all away...

Black Saturday postscript...

It's raining- well not really properly- but I believe it might be raining in places it really needs it.
Playing with the dogs at the oval I hear the cold wind rushing through the trees and wonder if that is the same roaring you hear when the bush above you is an inferno...
I hope the money I sent the bush fire victims is doing its job and helping in some small way to ease the rehabilitation process. I hope what I prayed and am still praying is getting to God's heart and the healing is taking place in those shattered lives.
People who lived outside the area are still not really welcome in, especially in Marysville where there really is no town to speak of. Understandably.
It was so hard to NOT be there and to want to help when it was at the most crucial stage, but we had to be content with being at an enforced, yet practically caring distance.

Dreaming Green...

My dreams of a Community vegetable garden, it turns out- are not just my own!
How exciting- other people are thinking about this also, about the piece of land we have attached to the church, at present with an old under-utilised house on it... about creating a hub, a focus for activity, a source of provision for the wider community, about how we might create a vegetable garden there where we can teach and provide useful skills (and food!) for those who need it.
Reading back on my thoughts in February I can't quite believe how things are moving along, and how the people in my home fellowship group have been having the same ideas- which we are now sharing...

I will keep you posted on our progress. If God wants this, it will surely flourish.
Simon, our pastor- is teaching from Acts now- and the history and roots of the Church are founded in meeting these basic needs of people,- contact, sustenance, spiritual food- which I believe we should as the church be providing now- and even more so in these uncertain financial and climactic times. I'm excited to see how people are responding to these passages; are stirred up to think about the reality of how God was working in Spiritual and practical ways in the lives of those first believers. And importantly how they drew in new disciples to believing.

Unlocking the Past... I love love love History... especially where it connects to the present, and myself...

An exciting thing is I have recently found, through the wonders of the internet, and a couple of key contacts in facebook- my old friends from the Christian Community I was in from 1980-1985; The Truevine Christian Community to be exact. The joy of finding old friends is always great- but these are very special people with whom I share a unique and treasured bond. So I am overwhelmed and challenged in turns- So much water under our bridges, but the bridges are still standing- we shared SO much, our lives, our dreams, our brokenness...
so much has happened in our individual lives. It is like meeting an ex-partner in some instances, tentative, a bit confronting and then again it's like finding family- you KNOW you belong, always did and you are home again at LONG last.
There is some exploration to be done, and reflecting back, and then stretching forth in our new roles as individuals who are in our own lives, worlds, and yet joined by this common past and in most cases common faith.
It is a precious time, and I recognise and respect some of us feel differently about our faith, about life in the Truevine and are maybe not as happy to be connected again. But I sense a willingness in even those who may have given faith away, to at least satisfy curiosity and to want to touch those old friendships again. It's all good.

(Of course, when I say "all good" I am only speaking from my perspective- finding Truevine again has been and continues to be a positive and good thing in my life, and I believe in the lives of others. This is not to say that it is not also painful and difficult for some- a lot of people were married in the Truevine within that time, and some of the marriages have ended- other marriages have also ended since then. Tragedies and losses have affected many - and therefore affect us all to some degree. Relationships for some were difficult, and framed by the authoritarian structure we lived under- the fallout continues to smolder in some cases. Obviously there is still room for healing.)

The discussions and huddles over deep doctrinal things, less serious things, personal things, are largely respectful and appropriately considerate of everyone coming from 30 years of disparately experienced lives... so interesting, so challenging, so exciting!

A Postcard from Hell

I wasn't there, but I was with them in spirit.
Those voices that came out over the air-waves, composed yet distressed. Some were almost nonchalant, indifferent. But their lives will never be the same- those who managed to save their lives, that is. I will never forget how the fires got away that day- the ones that started near Wandong then leapt and roared into the towns of Flowerdale, and Kinglake and others, I will never forget hearing those first reports and then the seemingly random ones that followed- it was in East Kilmore, heading for the pine forests, and onwards it went, in leaps and bounds. I will always remember the old lady who rang the station who lived with 10 dogs in a miners cottage in the middle of the bush. She knew she probably couldn't get them all in her car, but she was hoping the fires would stay away.
The man in the Kinglake pub watching houses burn in the township, with no sign of fire engines....
Meanwhile Marysville was wiped off the map. Strathewan in South Gippsland is no more.
The people spoke to the radio announcers of their apprehension and concern, but were lucid enough to speak, by phone, and to be 'considering' what their best plan of action was to be.
Later that night, we knew that 14 of them hadn't made it, which in itself was devastating-but what unfolded over the next week defied belief, as the numbers of dead grew each day, as bodies were discovered in various states of unsuccessful escape from the inferno which overtook them all.
I listened for over a week , addicted and transfixed , seated at the computer, crying, stunned, as the toll grew.
But what moved me most were the stories of courage and terror as people recounted their experiences.
It was like listening to holocaust survivor stories. You want to look away, but you can't. You know you need to share their pain.
One didn't know quite how to help- for those who lived in close proximity to the affected township, and there were many, hands on help was an option, and a great way to really care and show compassion for those people who emerged from their homes singed, bereft and traumatised.
I lived too far away, and it felt like a million miles, and still does. But at least I knew my money was wanted, needed and would be put to good use and I'm sure more will be needed in future.

People said, "where is your God now?" as I knew they would.
All I knew was, well He's here right now, in our suffering; He weeps and He grieves, just like us. He cares and supports and surrounds and heals, and we can be His hands and do this for Him.
And it's not just the people who call themselves His, who are effectively doing this- which I think further shows His sovereignty at this time.
We can't ever forget though, what people have and are still going through, and seeking to help them where and when they need it, for as long as they need it. Which is why, as useless as I feel right now, I think of those people today.

It's raining and windy, and the rain and cool air must be bringing some hope to the people of that terrible Black Saturday. I feel the refreshment of the cold air on my face and I relish it like I have never relished it before.
Many of us survived the hottest day on record under what we thought was a terrible duress, and unbeknown to us a good number of innocent and precious people were fighting for their lives and losing. Many lost all they had ever owned , lost their people, and their beautiful natural environment that day. They lost all they knew of their material life, only to face a blackened world and have to start again.

This cold wet wind makes me feel their grief again, and also brings me joy and hope for healing and new beginnings - a return to some semblance of secure life again.
I only know of people who were lost- I lost no-one personally.
But I know I still feel loss.

And it's a hard rain's gonna fall.....

Some thoughts about the terrible tragedy unfolding in Victoria, where at least 173 people have perished in a holocaust of untameable proportions...
Living here in Geelong we are not too far away from potential disaster; fires visited and decimated here in 1983, and people remember only too well how traumatic it can be.
I listen to the ABC broadcasts, read the papers and chat on facebook all day long- trying to feel connected to these poor people wandering about in their soot and ashes; bereft, burnt and heartbroken, they have lost everything that defined their lives. Many have lost loved ones as well, and in the most dramatic and horrific circumstances. To lose loved ones suddenly is bad enough, but in an inferno is traumatic beyond belief. One can only guess at what they have suffered as they died- trapped, starved of oxygen, burning, in agony and beyond help. No wonder the living look shell shocked and dumbstruck.

Watching them, hearing their stories, I am awash with the sense of helplessness, the grief and total vulnerability they now have to deal with. They are dependent for food, for clothing, for toiletries, for shelter, for dignity itself.
But that is the beauty of what is happening , especially in the recovery centre that is the village of Whittlesea. I'm sure there are others out there, but Whittlesea is getting all the publicity and media, as the area around there and Kinglake,(and Marysville, Strathewen )are where the fires ripped through without warning and with a voracity that was unparalleled anywhere. Villages were literally wiped off the earth.
The people of Whittlesea, where the fire largely left them unscathed, have opened themselves up to the homeless and scorched, and has become a hub of beneficence and succour. People are being reunited there with loved ones and neighbours they thought they might have lost.They are having their basic needs taken care of. There they are speaking to counsellors, to one another and to the media about their respective ordeals. While some of them will leave never to return, others are rallying and shoring one another up, and perhaps considering how they might one day rebuild their community and carry on as an entity again.

But they are still a community. They are functioning.
Yesterday I thought I was jealous of them, and wishing I was a part of what had happened. How perverse of me!
I wondered if I was a bit mental for feeling this way.
But then I realised today it was their community I was jealous of.

Lately I have been feeling a surge of zeal for the ideals of community- of maybe establishing a garden where I could help in the sharing of God's love and healing with the wider community, and people who were disenfranchised; dealing with poverty and loneliness.
I really want to share my vision and somehow stir up some sort of enthusiasm in my peers at church, to get them on board with the idea of gardening and communal sharing that would maybe appeal and draw people into the church, and ultimately into faith in Christ.

I know my 'surge' of zeal, my passion may be somewhat uninformed, but hopefully isn't too far wrong from what God wants (from me, at least). I am not an expert gardener, but I do enjoy being in the garden, and am excited about producing actual food in the garden. I do think that simple, outdoor manual work, done in community with others, is a great healing tool for the mind, body and soul. I can think of a few people now, who might benefit from this sort of activity.

I hope that somewhere, sometime this year I will find a channel for this dream of mine. I hope I can find some other people who might catch the vision and join me in my quest to see a "Healing Garden" established somewhere, I'm hoping as a part of my church's outreach into the community.
Hearing about the suffering in the fire affected areas I feel like I want to be there to help, to listen and to comfort. I am further encouraged in the idea that Chaplaincy and pastoral care are what God is leading me and guiding me into.

A little bit more...

This is in lieu of any really clever or interesting thing I have to say, but I thought I would just come back to say I am still alive and kicking in the blog world.

Looking back to recent events...

Photos taken at Fingal headland in May. Mum and I had a beautiful walk around the headland which I had never seen in all my years of living in and visiting the area.


Cousin Marnie, Amy and I, a couple of weeks ago up north.
My baby brother Al, Mum and me, a brilliant May morning at Ocean Shores, same trip.
The new dress, which does not hide my curves at all! Sans make-up and with wet hair, but you can't have everything. At least the (fake) tan is working!
Mum and I shortly after I surprised her at her 65th birthday party- we're having lunch right on Kingscliff beach.

No Time to think....

Well It's that time again- doing my last assignment for the semester- and you would think for all the blood sweat and tears I put in that I was doing a full load of subjects, but no- I'm just doing the one. Because of the way I use my time that one subject becomes a much bigger thing than it should I suppose- but let's just say "things" happened, and now I am doing a whole semester's work within about 10 days.
And I've kind of run out of puff today. I didn't sleep last night, my brain was switched onto Mack 6 and I couldn't gear it down, even with my body totally pooped.
So with a weary mind and body, I will try and make a little bit of progress today.
It's actually due tomorrow- but I will be handing it in late,after the long weekend- and properly done too.

I find it very hard to study when my house is dirty and the washing is piling up- but his is how it will stay until I get the place to myself, and the assignment handed in, next Tuesday-
Ahh freedom, I can smell it- (and it smells like Mallacoota!)
but first,
there's a Timeline of the history of the Christian Church-
OH yes, the whole 2000 years of it, in 2000 words. GO me.
But that's not all- included in this will be a cohesive and intelligent argument... just to show that I do understand this is a philosophy unit.
Just what that argumant is to be- thank Goodness, I have worked that bit out... but the rest is a hard slog, constructing this time-line thing.



I have begun geting up early and walking my dogs to begin the day- you can tell they're a bit confused today 'cos I slept in and they missed out!
Craig Harper (bless him) has got me seriously looking at the way I look at exercise and Johnny's on that same wave length too- yes, it's not meant to feel good, it's meant to make my butt slimmer!
It's not just the exercise, I know that, I am committed (most of the time) to eating for health, but that comittment has to be 're-set" every month, at least!

I went to see my family in NSW weekend before last, and it was such a lovely time. It was mum's 65th birthday- and I surprised her at her birthday lunch - SURPRISE!!!
It was so much fun to do that.
We had a great couple of days together, and I had a lovely night at my cousin's too.
I also got to catch up with my baby brother and his girlfiend, all lovey dovey and rapt in each other. SO nice to see, but so scary- new relationships are scary things I think!
I don't know how, but millions of us do make it through those precarious few weeks of a new relationship and settle into marriage and total mundaneness- but we do, and very successfully.
It is the natural order of things I think!


Anyway, as good willed as that jaunt up North/family visit gesture was, I think it's the main reason I'm so lost in this assignment now!
When it's all over, I will come back and I promise I will talk about something more interesting...

About not having Cancer...

An old photo, taken about 18th months ago, but you can see how tall she is...

May14

Yesterday I had a mammogram and ultra-sound, to investigate a sore boob, the left one.

I felt really confident that it was going to be an easy and almost painless procedure. I was totally ok about it all, even flippant. Then I had the ultrasound, and it took forever. The technician went over the same areas again and again, over the sore spots, and a darkish area in there, that she marked out with her cursor and took multiple images of. I got more and more scared as the process went on. Then she left to go and “check” that all the right images had been done in another room. She was away for about 10 minutes, leaving me lying there all mucky under a towel, alone, and afraid. It was the worst 10 minutes I have ever had. Once I started thinking that she had been away TOO long- I started to then wonder, was there really something very seriously wrong? Would she come back with a Medico to inform me I was in a bad way? When would she come back, and would she apologise to me for taking so long?

Well when she finally came back she was extremely impersonal and dismissive, and that made me even more suspicious.

So now I await the results in a state of high anxiety- waiting for the Vit B to kick in… maybe I’ll go and have some chamomile tea…

Thankfully I have a lot to do and it’s a magnificent day.

It’s Sylvie’s birthday tomorrow, and I am determined, that no matter what the news is, I won’t let it affect her day.

The family knows me, and knows how I am a total hypochondriac, who has had some health scares over the years, but nothing really serious has come of them…yet.

And so I have a lot of reasons to be positive and to reassure myself that this too will be something minor, and I’ll be OK. But on the other hand, why should I? Why shouldn’t it be that I, like so many of my peers these days, have fallen prey to Breast cancer as well? Why should I be spared?

As I said to Liz last night (who is fighting an advanced form of Breast cancer), I am not as afraid of the disease nor the treatment, as I am of losing the life I now have, the sameness and security of it. I don’t like change, and I don’t like the thought of it. I am cosy, I am secure, and I am content. I know where I belong, I love my family they way they are, and I don’t want ANY of it to change. Hear that God? Please don’t let it be!

I’m so glad I shared all that with that particular friend, she has lost her husband to leukaemia, she has lost her breast, her hair, her livelihood, and she comforted me by reminding that it all changes, all the time- the partners, the kids, the jobs, the circumstances, and we DO cope. Thanks Liz, you are a ROCK.

May 15^th

My darling little girl’s 17^th birthday , and well, I’ve enjoyed it all, starting with getting up early to cook her breakfast, then walking the dogs, then cooking pies. After I forced lunch down I braved myself to ring my Doctor about my results.

My heart was in my stomach and my stomach was in my mouth. I shook and quaked and panted, but then I deep breathed as the receptionist told me “for all intents and purposes it’s NORMAL… but the Doctor may need to speak to you.”

They were words of GOLD that filled my heart with inexpressible joy.

Later, as I went out shopping, feeling like Superwoman herself, invincible, unstoppable; my doctor rang to explain that I have a number of cysts and may need them treated some time in the future. Heck, I can deal with that. But I could have dealt with worse news too. I know Cancer can kill. I know many breast cancers are lethal. But I also know that I have a deeper peace, and an abiding sense that I would not be doing it alone. I know it sounds corny but it’s true. While I was contemplating how I might deal with the worst possible scenario, I was also deciding how I might win this battle, how I might cheat death and spit it in the eye. I maybe gained an iota of insight into the mind of an actual person dealing with cancer, and how they might feel about it. And it wasn’t exactly a feeling of fear or helplessness I felt, but more of acceptance without necessarily accepting defeat. Hard to explain really.

I hope I never have to face cancer for real. But I won’t spend my life running scared. I will live it with even more gratitude and passion and less concern for always being correct or serious or worried about what I think are stupid things!

PS, The birthday dinner went off really well, Sylvie had a lovely time and we had fun, especially me- and maybe I had a few wines too many, but I really wanted to celebrate life.

So I did.

I turned 44 and Hit the wall!

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven. You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue. You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched. You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions. Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice. (But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!) You excel in: Leadership positions You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?



Well I just found this cute little quiz (thanks Tina!)and I was quite surprised to find out I was a
colon-

That's cool, I can live with that.



On being 44...

I am really happy to be at the age I am, doing what I am doing. And isn't that good?
I have been very dissatisfied at other times in my life, but generally speaking , since turning 40 I have appreciated and cherished what-ever age I am at, for various reasons...

Lets have a look at some of those:

• I now know a lot more about what makes me tick, and don't get all hung up in crises of identity- I am who I am and that's good enough. If God loves me, who am I to not love myself?
• I am on the road to fitter and healthier, of course I have set-backs, as we all do, but I don't let them crush my drive to get to a healthier me. I now understand the processes that kept me quite down-trodden and depressed for many years whilst my kids were little. I am working my way into the potentially healthy and vital lifestyle I am meant to live.
  
• I am, although not perfect physically yet, comfortable in my own skin. I know what looks good on me, I like my good bits- my hair, my smile. And apparently everyone's NOT looking at me or my fat bum all the time!
• I also know I have some pretty awful bits, inside and out. And that's humbling, grounding and I think healthy. I don't hate myself- but I know there's always room for improvement. I could be a better listener, and a much better friend, a better mother and wife, daughter etc. But I'm willing to learn to be.
• I'm studying at Uni- and this is a dream come true- I planned it and thought about it- and now it's happening. And my life is so much the richer for it. The piece of paper at the end will be a wonderful reward; what I'm learning about life in general as I study is an even greater reward.

• I have learnt a lot about love and relationships and I feel OK with myself about how I conduct some really tricky family relationships. I've had to learn to forgive and also to love from a place of security- in knowing that the past is past. I can move forward in life- even if others have trouble doing the same.

• I am not afraid to show emotion, to be the odd one out occasionally, to feel passionate about things, even if I'm seen to be different.

That's some of the reasons why I am a satisfied and happy 44 year old. My life is not perfect, but it's pretty close. I guess if I hadn't had a fairly unhappy and traumatic youth and young adulthood, I might not be able to appreciate all that I have now in family love, a good marriage and health.
Maybe I would have, but I can't have those years back to do them better, so I will try to make the most of the ones I have ahead of me!

Mallacoota Dreamin'....

No other place makes me feel as restful, at peace as does Mallacoota.
Oh I'm sure there's plenty of other places on Earth that could do it for me, but none I have been to yet.
We got there on Wednesday, and upon opening our new little acquisition up, were amazed to find it more well appointed, more cute, and far more spacious than we had remembered it.

What ever suffering we have to go through to get to it and undergo to keep it- I'm sure it will be well worth it.
Sitting on that little balcony, watching the pelicans glide by, the little boats on the inlet, the people coming and going we would go into a state of blissful silence.
In the backyard, the same trance was made possible by sitting and watching the birds flutter in the bird bath, the skinks sunning and then scuttling as the sun hid then peeped out from behind the clouds. The last of the Indian summer warmth along with humidity brought out all the wildlife and colours and sounds of summer although it was Autumn.
It was all too lovely.
Hopefully we will get down there in the winter to see what that season will offer.


"Save Bastion Point!"
Down at the beach the pristine waves crashed in over the dogs and myself as we played, and we raced and dodged amongst beautiful rocks which comprise the life-giving home of many species of vegetation and sea creatures. The incredibly clean feel and smell of the place, the knowing that it is one of the last great areas of wilderness and undeveloped coast are feelings I treasure.
Apparently this will all change , if the "powers that be" get to push ahead with their desire to develop a concrete sea-wall and huge car-parking area, along with staircases- formalising and structuring a beautifully wild and naturally positioned piece of head-land, creating a "human-made" beach, like we see here at the Surf-Coast, where most of the beaches have lost their unsullied charm.
"Save Bastion Point" has become the catch-cry of many of the locals- who understand how precious their little corner of the world is.
I so want this development to go away, too. Please don't let Bastion Point be a Bastion that falls to the lure of greedy developers who want to sacrifice wilderness for the safe mundane appearance of sanitized macadamized car parks and a totally predictable swell onto a concrete wall. Mallacoota is a 6 hour drive from its nearest major city for goodness sake.
In the words of the Beatles- Let it Be!

Roo, Rudi! Come here boy!!!

The Dog's Tale

It's 35 degrees out there, the garden is crisping and the dogs are flaked out on the floor.
I had to take little Roo to the vet today- we got a health guarantee from the animal Welfare, and we were just within our 14 days cut off time.
He had been vomiting frequently, and we were a bit concerned.
Thankfully it was only that his dog food was too rich for his system, so he has to go onto the adult mix for a wee while, then we'll gradually mix in the puppy stuff till he's used to it.
Phew!
Thank God for that- I really love this little critter now- and would hate for anything to happen to him.
He's not that good at coming back yet- hopefully we'll get that into him, and soon.
Last night we had both dogs at the beach and it was fantastic to see them run together through the waves- no-one's been able to give Daisy that much of a challenge before, and she loved every minute of it.
It was so worth getting her a playmate.

University Life
I have got all my study material now- and the units are up on the Website- so it's all systems go- 3 Units- I wonder how I'll go???
I certainly feel more confident than I did last year, starting four- and I only completed two in the 1st semester.
I can see that my 3 subjects all dovetail nicely, World Religions for Philosophy, Europe in the Age of Ideologies and Australia & the Pacific- Colonisation. I do have less assignments- but also an exam for one subject, I think it's spread out well though.
So with this in mind- I hope to take this enthusiasm and forge ahead- I can only try.




Injuries sustained by the car's tow-bar gouging a nice chunk- evil thing!




And the dog bone leaping onto my big toe.

Stuff

I thought I'd better bring you all up to date with happenings lately-
I have put a deposit on a little dog at the pound- and the family are all mad at me- but I fell in love with "Cooch" the minute I found him.
I knew I wanted a red dog and it had to be medium sized and short haired and friendly and male.
And there he was, loving me through the wire cage, pressing his little face up hard so he could kiss my fingers- eying me with his greenish gold eyes, full of potential adoration....
I've bought him for Daisy- because she is a misery guts when she's not working and rounding up and playing with us- and we're all about to get really busy with our school and Uni and work and such.
It's not right to keep a dog when it's just sad all the time.
If no-one can be bothered exercising her she misses out. I hate thinking she's not getting all the stimulation a dog like her needs.
So hence the Cooch- I thought of that name because it complements Daisy's name- and then Sam brought to mind that Cooch is the lanky guy out of "Footrat Flats"- you know, the nature lover.
....Maybe I've bought him for me.

Holiday Fun and surviving the New Year...

The Nehill family have safely embarked upon, undertaken and returned from the annual pilgrimage to Mallacoota. In a nutshell- it was GREAT!
Well, Ok, we didn't sleep and it was a 9 day diet of Vegemite toast, icecreams, Chocolate, coffee and muesli (until I burst out in cold-sores) and other nasty fatty things, with the occasional bit of fruit or vegetable thrown in.
I love camping, and I love the great outdoors. We got our fill of both, staying 6 nights at Mallacoota, then detouring on the way home at a beautiful spot in South Gippsland for 3 nights in the Tarra valley on the edge of the Tarra Bulga National Park.
We met really nice people, and we took our dog too so we got to meet other doggy people and other nice dogs as well.

Mallacoota was hot, windy and full of flies. Tarra valley was cool, tranquil and also full of flies.
But both spots are beautiful. The wildlife was amazing- loud kookaburras woke us every morning in both places- and I missed them this morning. At Tarra Valley, the massive gums housed feuding Koalas. Friendly lorikeets fed out of feeders in the caravan park and I heard bird calls I've never heard. I feel bereft without the constant piping of the bell-birds clear call. Rabbits in plague proportions bounced everywhere, even in broad daylight- a pity we weren't allowed to loose our dogs upon them.


I got to really relax at Mallacoota, all cares dropped away, and I enjoyed reading The Kite Runner, playing with the dog, the daily coffee at the cafe and not having access to the computer! We checked out the Beach Mission kids and got to have a few laughs at their annual Panto- this year it was Indiana Jones.
We walked and rode a lot, until it got very windy - then we went roaming about the streets of Mallacoota in the car, checking out the wonderful views- it's a very beautiful and remote spot- and I so hope it stays that way .

Packing up to leave Mallacoota was a real effort, but the next destination,"Best Friends Holiday Park" a few hours drive south-west was a real respite from the crowds, and a haven from the dust and heat. Even Sylv and her mate were eventually really enjoying themselves without all the trappings of shops, and the constant presence of friends. The highlights were playing in the river, sliding on the cascades, and just having fun- and the bon-fire at night- it was a lovely family time.

Staying at Tarra Valley was such a good move- because we were all enjoying each other's company by the time it came to leave-
I really think that by getting back to nature and leaving all the trappings we were able to really help ourselves reconnect with each other, and even with our own selves.
The 3 days in the bush seemed to really helped to soothe, refresh and give us back a sense of fun.

I think you know that you have had a really good holiday when you come home and feel really happy about being home again.

Time for a Hiatus

Well Uni is over for the year, and so far I have managed to spend a good deal of time sitting here in front of the computer but haven't really achieved a lot-
a few games of Scrabulous, a bit of e-mail contact, a fair bit of doing nothing...
But that's OK!
We had a torrid couple of months, John's dad becoming very ill and dying, Sam turning 21, Uni assignments, colds and infections,
Now I think I have a license to just sit back a bit and chill
Don't I?

While the world around me begins to wind up frenetically with all the shopping, buying consuming and stressing over the traditions of over-consuming, buying, shopping, stressing over Christmas,
I intend staying grounded and sane, well, I can try.
Christmas will be low key (as ever), but even more so this year, we will be minus Pa, and temporarily minus my in-laws' grandma .
So one oldy (Kath) and the first Christmas without her other half.
Weird and sad.
I still am surprised at the depth of grief I have for him. Not having him just feels so strange.
And it's not like we had an amazing rapport, or that I gave him special attention as he got feeble and more deaf, sometimes I forgot he was even there!

Even so, the world is different without him. I'm aware of my mother-in-law, being on her own, and and I know it's going to be tough for her for a while.



Now, about my new life-style- it includes a daily siesta, and I'm due for mine in 5 minutes!
By the way, Sam's party was heaps of fun, the kids all loved my speech.
I deliberately kept it pretty unsentimental, and yet the boys in particular were very touched by my words, and said so- which, when you think about it is pretty amazing-
I mean, boys, coming up to me and telling me what a wonderful mum I was, and that they hoped they would have their mums say such things about them.
I actually didn't say very much-
I could have said so much-like about how much I adored and lived for that baby-how my whole life had revolved around him. I was so intensely besotted with and proud of him, and all that he was and all that he did.
How disappointed and heart-stricken I became when he turned on me, and lashed out in his temper rages during moments of ill-health and then adolescent hormonal surges.
How useless and rejected I felt when he discarded me and my adoration of him, as he became a man.
How I still worship him from a distance, but keep it mostly quietly to myself these days (only my ever sharp-minded daughter has suspicions, which she regularly voices, in jealousy!)

Ok, Now it's out- and that's good. I never got to say it so I can be assured the words never got to embarrass him. I roasted him in a good natured and fairly superficial way- and he loved it- any more mushy, and I know he would have hated it!

This is Sam and co. having fun, his sister looking glam in the black sparkles on the far right.

Sam turns 21.

Just thought I'd share this speech I've written about my boy for tonight- his big party.

Sam in a Nutshell

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone for coming to this lovely do, organised by Shai and Sam. And Thankyou Shai for sharing this night with Sam, making this night doubly special and half the price!

Sam was born at 4:20 in the afternoon on the November 6^th, 1986. It was a stormy Spring Day in Mullumbimby. We were all shocked at his size- which turned out to be a whopping 10 lbs 9oz- (4.6 kilos). He thrived from the word go- crawling at 6 months, standing at 7 months and walking at 9 months.

He was a happy gregarious toddler who had a way of making a game out of everything from eating to riding on a bus to getting dressed- it all had to have an element of fun. He’s always loved music, and music will always be a big part of his life I believe. When he was a toddler he would get the words wrong to certain songs- for example

Aussie Crawl’s “Beautiful People” was “Bew-bibibee Bong”- well who could get that right anyway?

Sam’s grandma recalls his serenading everyone at the supermarket loudly with his rendition of “Love Shack” when he was about 3. When he was 5 he wrote a very rocky song which he shared in class at school, called “Going down the Road Really Fast”- and his taste in music moved quickly moved from Billy Joel (thankfully short lived), to Peter Coombe and onto Led Zeppelin, and so Johnny and I had to relive our teenage- hoods and go through that phase again.

Not many of you will know this, but Sam and Shai’s friendship was probably cemented more around music than anything else, as both were involved in the school band at Joeys.

Sam’s ability to get passionately interested in things meant we all would get dragged along for the ride- from Dinosaurs through to Air-cadets and everything in between, Ninja Turtles, Thomas the Tank Engine, Billy carts, (we’ll never forget that famous downhill ride at Joeys, the one that sent him flying in the air one day when he hit a ditch), rollerblades, footy, cricket and cubs, he had a go at everything.

He was always prepared to have a go- even if he was scared! I’ll never forget our trip to NZ in 1999, when we went on a bit of a kayaking adventure- he became entangled in vicious blackberries and then managed to fall out of the kayak. I’ll never forget the look of panic on his face as he went spilling over into the cold water- only to find it was about waist height- I think he thought he was going to be swept to his death!

Do you remember Sam, the Pirate Ship at Sea World- you were about 7, apparently you screamed and screamed through the whole ride, causing Dad to wonder if perhaps he had made a mistake in taking you on!

Sam’s greatest interest and the place where a few of you would have got to know him was Air Cadets. Planes, flying and most important of all, the bivouacs were his great love for a number of years- and I think set him up well in life with many skills and opportunities to show his leadership and innovative ideas.

Of course Sam has had a try at being a bit of a rebel too, for example growing a mo-hawk in year 11. And all those detentions- which were somehow “Not his fault”- what was that about?

What ever Sam has chosen to do over the years, well he does it to the extreme if it’s something he loves to do, so I feel confident Sam that your future holds the promise of personal success because you only do what you really want to do, and do it well.

Your strong will- which often got you into trouble when you were young has become a great plus in your adult life. I’m sure you need this quality to succeed in the area of Hospitality, and you will make a great chef.

The other thing I have to mention is that you have always attracted really nice people to yourself- and have chosen your friends well, and I have to include Jayne in this group. You share of yourself and are generous to a fault, even to the inclusion of your little sister in your band!

Don’t ever change, we love you jsut the way you are - good luck with your future and God Bless you in all you do.

Words....

I'm in love with words, with language, with poetry, with the discoveries I'm making into the world of literature.
I know, it's not everybody's cup of tea, but it sure is mine.
Studying Shakespeare at University, I'm fulfilling a life long dream, and I am like a baby taking my first, tentative steps at the beach...
One minute I think I'm moving well, then the next, and I am bowled over by a crashing wave, it's not a big wave, but I don't have good balance yet.
Drowning, flailing, I am rolled over and over in the surf of language, meanings, theories, and the intimidation of the other children, who are surfing, and bobbing about confidently around me.

But, there's the ground beneath my feet, and I'm Ok. My teacher, who's patient, and doesn't seem to mind my clumsiness, holds out a helping hand, and guides me into the deeper waters-
the rich and fascinating world of the most brilliant literary minds, and the truths behind their words.
Pure joy!

Ok, I'm hearing giggles- yes, yes I am a nerd, well and truly- but at least I've found a niche for myself, after many long years of wandering around in the wilderness...

AAAhhh not MORE metaphors I hear you scream!

Ok, now, I wrote these poems a couple of years ago, and I see the flaws but I will share them unchanged- and hopefully I will get better at it!

The Sleep I Feel...

The sleep I feel coming upon

Creeping up upon me

Steals its way into my eyes,

Weighing them down

And the heaviness I feel

Spreads its weight on my limbs, my back, my shoulders

and I sink sink sink

To depths far far below.

My mind struggles with the popping up

Of bubbles of thought

Caught in an event, an idea,

A frothy and light

Reflection-

A sliver of meaning

To be shared with my man, as I stroke his downy belly.

Words surface, like bubbles of gas in my gut,

Against my will

They rise-

Go away thoughts, let me escape into the darkness

As it enfolds and smothers me

In its soft fullness.

Sam strums

Sam strums my guitar

A peaceble lullaby

from a usually angry young man-

Belies the feelings of comfort and safety he knows within my walls, within my wings, within my heart

Stay safe Sam,

Know you are loved.

Ok, now I can start.

I wish I was a lot more lyrical and good with words, because I think this could be a bit boring-
But here goes...

I am a girl who's struggling to get my life into a sort of order, after losing a fine 13 kilos a while back now- thinking I couldn't push past that 10 kilo barrier- and realising I could...
Well I've kind of got stuck, here, just hovering below the 100 kilo mark and really not making any progress.

But I haven't stopped moving.
I have my beautiful border collie dog, Daisy to keep me company on my walks, (well actually the walks are ALL about Daisy getting exercise).
I have a gym membership, but I'm not getting there, because some-one has to exercise the dog.
There are only so many hours in a day.
And only So many excuses to be made!
Weight Watchers taught me how to eat in healthy proportions, but lately I'm really struggling with that, and am eating till discomfit stage a lot at the moment.

OK so you see I am heading in entirely the wrong direction right now.
What's to be done???

ALL the great rewards and incentives and ideas and challenges don't seem to grab and keep my attention.
But I DO need to lose more weight, and sooner rather than later would be best!
The only thing I know to do that works is just to get on my bike and get going- only I find it hard to find the time. I have to MAKE time.
If I find out just how that's done, I will be sure to share it with the rest of you...

In the mean time, there's 2 Uni subjects to attack, and a mountain of books to read...